Publisher’s preliminary statement: There have been complaints about the authenticity of the document shared here. We are publishing it because only now—at the turn of the fourth millennium CE (New York time)—can we examine and revoke the incidents reported therein.

To the Ministry of Big Game. Lascaux, Dordogne. The head of the expedition into the Valley of the Neanderthals encloses the following report, respectfully signed.

It was our task to examine the economic significance of the apparently humanoid mammals living along the Neander. They are a group of about seventy individuals: 11 males, 32 females; the young make up the rest. They are shaggy, walk almost erect, their live weight is about 75 kilograms (165 lb.), their height approximately 1.65 meters (5 ft. 4 in.) (because they crouch they appear to be smaller). Their faces are animalistic: flat nose, deep-set eyes below bulging eyebrows, receding forehead, no chin. The skull is elongated and broadens toward the back. The hands are human-like, the feet ape-like. The teeth are typical of herbivores. They appear archaic (even the young look geriatric). Just as archaic are the tools they undoubtedly create themselves. (We decided to call these tools pattern-like to distinguish them from human cultural objects.) You will find several samples of stone and bone tools enclosed. The animals emit grunting noises, and several members of the expedition thought to have heard the sound ”Yeti.” The most confusing observation, however, is that they bury their dead in flower beds. There was divided opinion among the members of the expedition about whether these animals could be hunted. As a result, we are forwarding both opinions to the Ministry for a final decision. The minority group’s objections prevented us from adding samples of fur, meat, and bone to this report.

Majority group’s report: We had the opportunity to examine two skeletons. Each individual bone is clearly distinct from its human equivalent. The same applies to the skeletons of horses. However, since the general structure of the skeletons is identical to ours, we can conclude that Neanderthals are animals that are more closely related to us than to horses.

Of course, our findings are based primarily on aesthetic and existential considerations. The Neanderthals are repulsively ugly and thick-necked; they grunt, feed on grass, gnaw on twigs and bare their teeth. Some of them may have reached out with their arms in our direction, but most of them fled. It is certain that none of the expedition members felt even the slightest sexual arousal at the sight of the females. It is undeniable that tool production and burial in flower beds is rare in the animal world. This presents us, however, with taxonomic issues, not ethical ones—that is, with the question of how to classify these animals zoologically. In no way are they human, because what is specifically human is the ability to manipulate concepts such as “stone,” and not the ability to transform that which is designated by the concept. Neanderthals do not think because they do not speak. They are animals.

We therefore suggest that the Ministry declare the Neanderthals to be fair game for economic and ecological reasons. Their fur is particularly suitable for the production of coats, especially since it is available in almost fitting form. And the Neanderthals occupy a niche that is partially in competition with us. They must be removed for philanthropic reasons.

Minority group’s report: When we approached the group, an older man walked toward us with open hands. Several children were laughing. The Neanderthals fled only when we did not reciprocate. They shivered with fright. We wish to inform the Ministry that we probably committed a fatal error (a sin). It is true that the Neanderthals are different from us. For example, their skulls are ten percent larger than ours. Because they are different, we perceive them as ugly. However, it is unworthy of humans to elevate this alienating difference, this instinctive repulsion, this lack of sexual attraction to the level of epistemological and classificatory principle. It is worthy of humans to acknowledge difference and to recognize in the Neanderthals another form of humanity. To recognize, for example, that burial in flower beds indicates that the Neanderthals have an attitude toward death that appears foreign to us.

What is important to us is the mutual recognition of the other. Only when we can recognize the Neanderthals as another form of humanity may we be respected by them as human beings in return. And only then will we be able to both see and recognize in our mutually ugly faces that which is completely Other. Instead, we have tried to know and treat the Neanderthals as animals. That empowers us to be the stronger group. We may now hunt them, kill them, and use their fur for coats. As for their part, they cannot no longer acknowledge us; they must now deal with us as beasts of prey. The end of this feedback loop should be obvious: we will eradicate the Neanderthals and enrich ourselves with their fur—and we will become impoverished because we will no longer be able to incorporate a Neanderthal dimension into our being. We will lose the possibility to become other than what we are.

We therefore propose that the Ministry halt this process. We ask that a few Neanderthals be invited to Lascaux so that they may learn of our ways of being with the hope of initiating a fruitful conversation so that together we may stride toward a richer, more human-worthy future.

Decision of the Ministry for Big Game’s Study Committee: The expedition’s majority report into the Valley of the Neanderthals is accepted.

Publisher’s appendix: Neanderthal eggs and sperm are currently in our possession. We can therefore reproduce this species and reverse the decision of the Study Committee. The above document is being published for the purpose of expanded discussion.