The desperate calls for foreign aid from the inhabitants of the distant Western Peninsula who have been sitting in jail cells, shaken by torture, compelled us to send an expedition of three shamans into the crisis area. Yesterday, they returned to Oymyakon. This is their report:

This distant Western Peninsula, a peripheral region protruding into the Atlantic, is carved up into subpeninsulas and islands, crisscrossed by mountainous areas and valleys, and traversed by rivers in all directions. A bay, the Mediterranean, extends far into the landmass. For these reasons, serious nomadic animal husbandry has been impossible. The inhabitants were forced to plant grasses and get settled. Because of repeated waves of immigration from the heartland, each new wave was layered upon the previous, as in geological formations. As a result, the original ethnic stratification gave way to a more social one. The ethnic and social tensions that arose time and time again caused chaotic upheavals, that is, national wars and social revolutions. Repeated attempts were made to impose order and facilitate a halfway decent life. The most successful was the vitalism of the Roman Empire, an organization based on the ideology of plant cultivation, not unlike a khanate. The attempt failed, ultimately, because it was assumed that they had to protect themselves from us. In fact, several expeditions back then—for example, one led by someone the Goths called Attila—tried to eradicate the epidemic at its far-western focus, but in vain. They had to abandon the Peninsula to its miserable fate.

Without a doubt, the real reason for the prevailing misery is the spirit that has gripped the inhabitants of the Peninsula. Originating in Palestine (a small Mediterranean country), this spirit possessed them and called itself Jesus. Apparently, it was a hybrid of Jehovah and a spirit called Logos. Our shamans were not quite successful in identifying the two of them, but the spirit Jesus led in the possessed to seizure-like contortions, less of the body than in their thinking. In fact, Jesus created a confusion of the senses. On the one hand, the possessed believed the senses to be capable of perceiving reality (empiricism) and, on the other hand, that reality is structured in accordance with the rules of thought (rationalism). From this paranoid insanity, the possessed generated a method called “science,” and out of it there emerged a black magic they called “technology.” The results of this magic are incredible, and they were witnessed and documented by the expedition. Here are some examples:

The distant Western Peninsula is littered with cultish magical artifacts such that it is well-nigh impossible for people to bridge them and encounter each other. For example, broad bands run across the landscape; on festive occasions, they form endless slow-moving lines consisting of innumerable smelly, rattling magic boxes. Victims awaiting development sit in these boxes. In another example, our shamans realized what had led to this complication:

As mentioned, the inhabitants of the Peninsula live off of grasses, but also off of the ruminants that feed on these grasses. It is therefore no wonder that their black magic concentrated on grasses and ruminants. The outcome is a never-ending cornucopia of flour, fruit, wine, butter, and meat, flooding the entire area. The population is in danger of drowning in this torrent, although there are attempts to contain it in huge buildings. Murmured ritualistic formulas, such as “price control” or “common market,” attempt to halt this stream, but because these formulas, too, have been infused by the spirit, they produce continuous excess. Our shamans recognized the intent of the Western spirit, namely, to drown its victims in excess.

Another, equally impressive kind of possession is exemplified by a strange, magic button that has been mounted in many places. When it is pressed, a section of the area is flooded by a peculiar light called “electric.” This light is entirely superfluous, of course, as we are not the only ones who don’t miss it; even the Peninsula inhabitants demanded it only after it had been invented, in other words, after it had been infused by the Occidental spirit. Now the people have become totally dependent on this superfluous light. Minutes-long interruptions of this flood of light renders them desperate. The spirit has successfully made those it possesses so dependent on excess that they currently find themselves in the following dilemma: if brakes are applied to this excess, they will perish; if it keeps pace, they will drown in it.

This description does not begin to describe the desperately complicated situation of the Peninsula, because it is becoming increasingly clear that the spirit that dwells therein threatens to break out in distant territories and enthrall new victims. The distant Western Peninsula is the center of an epidemic that has already infected large parts of the earth. Many are in danger of falling prey to this insanity, because the spirit of Jesus takes on ever more fantastic shapes, such as that of disciplined doubt, of progress, and of political freedom. It is therefore increasingly difficult to understand.

Our shamans nonetheless insist that they can exorcize it. However, such remediation efforts would require violent measures. The patient might even die in the process. We thus recommend that the Council of Tribes consult the spirit of our Great Khan, Timur the Lame, in this matter. We believe without a doubt that it is becoming more urgent with every passing day to free humanity from this demon that has gripped the far Western Peninsula, currently best known as “Western culture.”