NEW DELHI: The railroad system around Calcutta was catastrophically congested yesterday. The Railroad Ministry, however, is withholding all information.

MADRAS: In the presence of journalists, Swami Vivekamurti called for a protest march against the desacralization of cows in Calcutta.

NEW DELHI: The prime minister summoned the ambassadors of the United States of America and of the Union of Socialist Soviet Republics to his office for secret negotiations.

CALCUTTA: The government seeks to emphasize that “Superkali” is not a cow, but a significant achievement of Indian genetic research.

BOMBAY: Professor Tschandra Mahakananda of the Institute of Genetics declared that Superkali is an artificial mutation of the zebu. It weighs 2,000 tons and consists primarily of a digestive apparatus with integrated artificial intelligence. Superkali, Mahakananda continued, consumes 800 tons of hay and 31,700 gallons of water daily, but produces 18,500 gallons of certified raw milk and 500 tons of manure. Moreover, it is an excellent supplier of urine and gas. In answer to questions by international media it was confirmed that Superkali is currently housed in a hangar connected to the rail system. For further questions Mahakananda referred the attending journalists to his “cowboys” (assistants), who refused to offer any information on the matter, however.

TEL AVIV: A spokesperson for the Weizmann Institute confirmed that hay will soon be synthesized from ocean water.

BUFFALO: At the inauguration of the American Universal System Centrally Applied Cow (AUSCAC), the president declared that “the project’s udders produce 237,750 gallons of milkshakes daily. Furthermore, the cloaca supplies 6,000 tons of heating and construction material. The AUSCAC gases will provide energy for the entire state of New York.” The president conferred the Distinguished Service Award on the project’s two initiators, Professors Sakuro Watanabe (Harvard) and Chaim Mandelstam (Yale). Both scientists had again provided proof for America’s pioneer spirit.

GENEVA: The police forcibly dispersed a large demonstration organized by “Antigreen Peace” against the transformation of substantial areas in Europe into grassland.

ROME: It has just been announced that the Vatican is working on an encyclical entitled “De animalibus.” Reliable sources have confirmed that the new encyclical contains the following sentence: “We observe with grave concern the sinful attempts to interfere with the divine order of fauna.”

NEW YORK: At today’s general session of the United Nations, Argentina demanded a change in the composition of the Security Council. The Security Council is to take account of the new power configuration. Only delegates from grass-rich countries are to be seated on the Security Council. There was tumult in the plenary session as the Saudi Arabian delegation physically attacked the Argentinean delegation.

KRASNY: At the inauguration of the Lenin’s Meadow super combine, the first secretary of the Central Committee, Comrade Krawkow, noted that the output of the Soviet project will surpass that of the American project by 7.8 percent. The advantages of the Soviet system have now been definitively proven. The Cossack celebration that followed the first secretary’s speech took place without horses.

BONN: The “angel cow” installed in Magdeburg (GDR/East) has been outfitted with a suction apparatus designed to absorb grass from the Federal Republic of Germany (FRG/West). The Federal Republic’s permanent representative to the German Democratic Republic (GDR) has, in the name of the Federal Republic, issued a formal protest with the agencies in charge in East Berlin.

ATHENS: As agreed by the organizing committee, this year’s Olympic Games will be held under the motto “Aphrodite, the cow-eyed.” As reported by usually well-informed sources, this is not a reference to super cows but rather emphasizes the cultural heritage of Athens.

PARIS: The Swiss Alp Dream project has received the International Design Prize, awarded for the first time by the École Supérieure des Beaux-Arts. The project will be installed on the Place de la Concorde, replacing the obelisk. Food will be fed into Alp Dream via the Champs Élysées, and according to the jury this will create an organic connection with the Étoile. The mayor of Paris has already endorsed this project. Alp Dream exhibits the hyperrealistic structure of a super cow. The artwork enchants primarily by its ironic references to the alpine economy.

XIANGFAN: “The extent of the accident has been immensely exaggerated,” according to a spokesperson from Hupeh province who addressed the press. The media coverage by the “capitalist gutter press” has played a despicable role in this matter. Although there was never cause for concern, words such as “super cow” had spread considerable fear around the world. The flood of manure is now under control. It cost 723 human lives. Members of an expert commission who just returned from the site of the disaster report that we can count on an above-average harvest because of unexpectedly thorough fertilization.

LONDON: Sheapskin, the Labour delegate, pleaded for an additional super sheep project in the House of Commons. Sheapskin described in colorful terms the advantages of a new super sheep. In particular, he emphasized its environmental friendliness. The super sheep would also be more English than the continental projects. Approbation expressed by government officials present invited shrill protest from the opposition (“Shame!”). In the end, both parties agreed to put out a white paper.

OSAKA: The gas explosion that took place last night in the cow installation near Kobe has not yet been contained. The public has been equipped with gas masks. There are no victims to mourn.

MEXICO CITY: News from the remote province of Oaxaca is sparse. Fact is that the super cow’s teeth crushed the workers who were temporarily closing the installation following the temporary interruption in the hay supply. As far as we know, the tongue, approximately twelve kilometers long, is circling the area relentlessly. Photos taken by helicopter show images of indescribable destruction.

LOS ANGELES: Concerning the latest reports from Mexico, the director of the Neurophysiology Institute at the University of California, Professor R. Schleiermacher, commented, “Nothing but an old wives’ tale.” Under no circumstances can this be considered the cow’s intention. By and large, these are controllable reflexes. At the same time, Schleiermacher warned not to anthropomorphize the behavior of the super cow.

MUNICH: Patent examiners at the European Patent Office are currently debating the legal distinction between a super cow and a turbo cow. In the United States, the sixth generation of super cows birthed a turbo cow, which was awarded a patent by the authorized office in Washington. No objections were raised. Munich, however, is more hesitant. Although all species of super cows that have required a patent have so far received one, the turbo cow represents an entirely novel “cow invention.” Patent protection probably cannot be awarded for such a “novel cow.” Ethical or moral considerations played no role in the Munich patent examiners’ decision. Whether the application for patent protection is granted will be decided within the next few weeks.

HYDERABAD: Yesterday, the supposedly decommissioned super cow of Aurangabad started to lick up and devour people from the surrounding villages. Villagers escaped in all available vehicles, apart from ox carts. All of the country’s temples are overflowing with worshippers. The cows are receiving flower offerings. In the meantime, people are appealing for a neutron bomb.

WASHINGTON: Yesterday’s decision by the European Patent Office in Munich has generated protest in the U.S. It is quite probable that the inventor of the turbo cow and the European licensee will appeal the decision. If it is rejected in the end, secret plans appear to exist in the drawers of the laboratories involved.

NEW YORK: Reports of catastrophes from all over the world are flooding news rooms. The simultaneous collapse and eruption of numerous super cows has resulted in millions of casualties in Africa, China, the Soviet Union, and Europe. Now the United States is affected as well. As was just announced, an explosion in Hoboken cut off power lines to Manhattan. New York has been ordered to evacuate at 3 o’clock this afternoon.