Report from the Department of Counterintelligence to the Prime Minister: Shalom. Our agent was received by the King of all Aryans and Non-Aryans in Shahr-e-Zabul on Lake Hamun. Darius was sitting on the Peacock Throne, at his feet the tail-eating snake Ouruboros, and the Twelve Satraps—among them Khomeini and Dr. Kissinger—stood on both sides in hierarchical order. Visible on the large screen behind His Majesty’s back was a digital map of Earth. At the center of the projection was Jerusalem, which was, however, indicated by its ancient name, Ari-El (the Master’s lion), and from which continents and oceans seemed to radiate. The Earth was circular and red; at its center—in gold—the territory of the Persian Empire in the year 490 BC, and identified as “Aryan Manda.” Jerusalem was at the margin of the Empire such that the Empire itself was off-center. It skewed to the East. There were three figures at the center of the Empire: a woman bearing the nameplate “Esther Ishtar,” to her right a man bearing the nameplate “Ahasver Xerxes,” and to her left a rabbi bearing the nameplate “Mordechai Marduk.” A fiery inscription hovered above the three figures read “Mene, mene, tekel upharsin.”

Benevolently, the King received our agent with the words: “Should I forget you, oh Jerusalem, oh then my right arm shall wither.” Then he pressed one of the buttons he had within reach, and the map of Earth vanished, giving way to a scene from the Iran–Iraq war. He pressed a button again and a Mercator projection appeared, on which the Pamir Plateau was shown in relief in gold. From there blotches of color spread out across the map: yellow ones into the East, blue ones toward the South, and green ones into the West. When the Earth was covered with them an inscription arose from the Plateau of Pamir, “Ahura Mazda.” At once, the entire map turned golden. At the same time, as if on a palimpsest, the letters JHVH appeared between those of the inscription to yield an illegible and therefore unpronounceable word. The satraps fell to the ground.

The King rose to speak and explained to our agent: “You just now witnessed the history of humanity. When we, the Aryans, broke out from the roof of the world to aid the light in its victory over the night, we were inspired by the spirit of dialectics. The Aryan word for divine is DV. But it not only means deus, but also ‘two’ (zwei) and, therefore, ‘doubt’ (Zweifel). It was clear to us that the light can only prevail if it overcomes the dark within itself. In our radiant advance against the powers of Satan, we came across you, JHVH. As you well know, this unpronounceable and unimaginable name signifies hayah (it was), hove (it is), and ehyeh (it will be). Being reveals itself in this name as indivisible and singular (JHVH echad) and does not equate with the Aryan term DV. My predecessors, Darius and Cyrus, tried to incorporate JHVH, and it almost worked under Xerxes the Great. But the attempt had to fail. Since then, we Aryans have kept trying to eliminate you Jews.

“As you have seen, we have been successful in subjugating all of humanity in a dialectical battle. Our great Satrap, Gautama the Enlightened, conquered the East in the name of Ahuras and broke through the darkness of delusional entanglement (Maya). In the heartland of our Empire, in India, we opened a path for the light with the help of our holy books, the Vedas. In the West, we created science and the resulting technology by using the dialectic method to help the light of reason triumph over the Satanic powers of ignorance and superstition. These three seemingly divergent advances of light over dark, the paths of Buddhism, of Hinduism, and of Western science, have always been connected, openly or surreptitiously. Our throne has always been the focal point from which Aryan inspiration fed strength and hope into the three avatars of Aryan wisdom. And yet, none of my predecessors have won a final victory against the darkness.

“At fault is our inability to integrate your JHVH into our Aryan philosophical tradition, and then to eliminate Him from it. Like an indigestible chunk, or rather, like a glowing ember, JHVH is stuck in our throats. He cannot be swallowed, nor can He be spit out. You may believe me—and you know it to be true—when I describe my predecessors’ efforts to find a solution. I need only mention the kind of thought gymnastics practiced by Dostoevsky and Nietzsche, and I won’t even touch on primitive approaches to the problem such as pogroms and gas ovens. But I also believe that you have difficulty in dealing with us. I have studied your Cabbalistic literature and cannot avoid the thought that you are condemned to fail just like we are. Unless we combine forces.

“That is why I have decided to adopt the policies of my predecessors from the fifth century BC, that is, to begin diplomatic relations with you and, together, finally succeed in building the Empire. As you know, back then, my predecessors supported the construction of your Second Temple, and your prophet Daniel predicted our final victory (upharsin). That is why I have asked your government to have you come for a visit. At the same time, I ordered my two Satraps, the Ayatollah and the Doctor, to take necessary measures on my behalf. Accordingly, the current war between the Iranian rump state and the Satanic powers is to be considered a first step toward a collaboration between me and you.

“So, this is the message that I ask you to please deliver to your government: Israel should enter into a secret alliance with Iran to prepare a definitive synthesis between Ahura and JHVH. This shall clear a path toward an Aryan World Empire, toward the victory of light. If, contrary to expectation, your government should reject this suggestion, then I will be forced to initiate a final solution to this problem.”

Such is our report. We expect the Prime Minister to inform us whether we may maintain contact with Shahr-e-Zabul, or whether we should initiate something to counter this neo-Nazism.