Being Independent Has Risks

Kailin

My name is Kailin Kelderman, but sometimes I go by KK. I am twenty-five years old and I live in my own place. I graduated from college a few years ago and I have Down syndrome. After high school, I didn’t want to go to college. I got my dream job at Bully’s Bar & Grill. I was a bus girl, but I could not understand some of the languages other people were speaking. It was hard for me. The next year I applied to college at the University of Nevada, Reno (UNR). My mom created a program called Path to Independence (P2I) for people with disabilities, like me, to go to college. I got accepted into the program and got a big scholarship from Ruby’s Rainbow to help me pay for college.

When I started the Path to Independence program, I moved into a small house across from the university with my friend, Nancy. After a while, Nancy moved out and I had two roommates move in. My two roommates were Alexandra and Michaela, and they were in the program with me. We would sing together and talk to each other a lot. We would go to lunch together at the student union and eat Panda Express. Sometimes roommates don’t get along, like when one of my roommates would eat my food. It’s okay that roommates don’t get along sometimes. We are all still friends and I had fun living with them.

I took a few different classes at UNR. My favorite class was my sociology class. There were other P2I students in my class and we had a good mentor. I got to do a report on Jonestown, and it was really interesting. I also liked my photography class, swimming lessons, and women’s studies. During college, I also had a job at the student union information desk and helped people find different things on campus.

I graduated from college after two years in the Path to Independence program in 2017. I’m happy I went to college because I learned about different classes and had a good job. After I graduated, the landlord of my small house across from UNR sold my house, so I had to move out. I decided I wanted to live by myself, without roommates, and my aid helped me find a small studio apartment that was attached to the back of a different small house close to UNR. It was really small, but I liked being on my own and independent.

The job coach at the Path to Independence program helped me find my new dream job at Laughing Planet. I was a prep cook at Laughing Planet, and I walked to work by myself every day. I was always early and would get hot chocolate at the coffee shop next to Laughing Planet before my shift. I would make the best guacamole at work and got free lunch, too. My boss and coworkers were nice.

When the coronavirus started spreading in March of 2020, I lost my dream job at Laughing Planet. It was sad for me because I really liked working there. The house my studio apartment was attached to opened up and I moved in there with another P2I graduate. It was a big house with two bedrooms, one bathroom, and a really big living room area. When we moved in, I wanted my new roommate, Casey, to feel comfortable. I wanted to make the house less scary because Casey had never lived on her own before. I wanted to make her feel safe in the house with me.

Mary

I am KK’s mom. I work at the Nevada Center for Excellence in Disabilities at the University of Nevada, Reno. I worked for several years to get the Path to Independence program started because I wanted Kailin to have a place to go to college. The program got started just as KK graduated from high school. Exercising her independence, she said, “I don’t want to go to college.” She worked for a year and then attended the P2I program the following year. She lived in a small house near campus with roommates. When the rental was sold, she moved into a tiny apartment by herself. When the larger two-bedroom unit opened up, she moved into it with another P2I graduate. In each of the different housing experiences, she did well, just making some of the same mistakes that we all did when we moved out, like getting locked out of her house. But she learned from every experience, and I’ve always been very proud of her independence.

Eilish

I’m Kailin’s younger sister (her only and favorite sibling), and I’m currently in the midst of earning a master’s degree in social work at the University of Nevada, Reno. I graduated with my undergraduate degree in political science and developmental disabilities in 2018. I’ve always been passionate about the disability community and interested in policy, so I hope to work on a macro social work level to implement inclusive and progressive policy for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Every obstacle Kailin’s faced, she’s been able to overcome. She went to college and graduated. She’s lived on her own for several years (with and without roommates). She’s had different jobs and learned a lot along the way. Kailin has always been a badass. She’s an incredible young woman who thrives on her independence. I’m proud to call her my big sister, inspiration, and best friend.

Kailin

In May of 2020 I was raped by a guy named “David” (not his real name, but the name he gave me). I did not know him. He walked by my house that morning and came back that night and knocked on my window. He did something really bad to my phone. He took videos on my phone of the rape and asked me, “Was that fun?” He put his phone number in my phone and sent the videos to his phone. Then he left. He made me bleed a lot. He pulled my hair. When I saw the videos, I deleted them because I could not take it anymore.

I wasn’t ready to tell anyone until the morning. I was trying to decide what the best thing to do was. I texted my mom at 7:30 a.m. the next morning and said, “A man had sex with me, and I could not stop him.” My mom called me, and I told her that a man came into my house during the night and had sex with me. She came over right after we got off the phone. When my mom got to my house, my roommate and I sat at the table with her. I told my mom what happened, and we called the police. My mom called my dad and then called my sister, Eilish. Eilish was in tears when my mom told her what happened to me because she was scared; she almost lost her sister. My mom told me that it wasn’t my fault and I know I didn’t do anything wrong.

Mary

That 7:30 a.m. text was a mother’s worst nightmare. The idea that someone would hurt her in that way, in any way, made me so angry I thought my head would explode on the eight-minute drive to her house. But I knew I had to calm down because I wanted to support KK, who had to be so hurt and confused. When I arrived, she was shaky and a little teary, but seemed okay. We sat down and she told me what had happened. Despite the trauma, she was able to remember a lot about the attack and she showed me things that would become evidence. She also told me that her attacker had videotaped the rape and sent it to her. As disturbing as that was, I knew it meant that he could be found. I felt so terrible for her. How could someone hurt her like that? As a mom, you want to protect your child and take away her pain, and I felt incredibly inept at both.

Eilish

My phone rang around 8 a.m. on May 6, 2020. I answered the phone, and my mom told me Kailin had been assaulted. It was the worst moment of my entire life. At first by “assaulted” I thought she meant Kailin had been mugged or beaten up by someone. My worst fear came to life when my mom said she was raped. There aren’t words to describe that horrific feeling. I started crying. How could someone do this to her and take advantage of her like this? I asked my mom if I could talk to Kailin, and I told her I wouldn’t cry when talking to KK. I asked KK, “How are you? Are you okay?” She responded hesitantly and with a shaky voice, “I am okay. He hurt me but I’m going to be okay. I told mom and the police are coming.” I told her it wasn’t her fault and that she didn’t do anything wrong. Kailin said she wasn’t ready to see my dad or me yet, so I drove over to my parents’ house to see my dad while we waited for updates.

Kailin

My mom called the police and told them what happened. The police came to my house and asked me some questions. I told them about the videos. I gave them some evidence, like my underwear and the washcloth I used after. The police officer wanted to talk to my roommate, Casey, too. She didn’t hear anything because it was late and she was in her room sleeping. Then the police officer talked to me about the forensic exam. He said they could get some DNA from the exam, and it would help find him and send him to jail, so I decided to do it. I want to make sure he doesn’t do this to my roommate or other people.

We followed the officer to the place where I had to have the forensic exam done. I went into the forensic exam first and my mom waited outside. I wanted to go in by myself and do it on my own. After the nurse was done, they wanted me to take a lot of medicine so I wouldn’t get different diseases or infections. They told me I would have to get a blood test in six weeks, six months, and in one year to make sure I am okay and don’t get sick.

That night, Eilish took me to her house. We had pizza and chicken wings and watched my favorite movies. She got me comfort foods like popcorn, chips, and candy. Then I decided to stay with my parents for a while. A few days after everything happened, I moved my stuff back into my parents’ house. I went back to the building where I had the exam done to have an interview. When I was interviewed, the police and other people were in a different room, and they recorded it so I didn’t have to keep telling them what happened. They asked me a lot of questions, and I told them everything.

Mary

I had heard stories about how rape victims are sometimes treated, so I didn’t know what to expect from the police. The officer who came was very kind and efficient. He spoke to Kailin like any other person and did not talk down to her, which I really appreciated. When she did not understand, she’d look at me and I’d explain it in a different way. For the trauma she’d been through, she was able to answer questions and give information to the officer.

The officer talked to KK and me about the forensic exam (rape kit). He explained that the best way to help in finding her attacker and sending him to prison was to have the forensic exam, where they could gather his DNA as evidence. But he told her it was her decision. She looked at me and my heart broke. I knew the right thing to do was for her to have the exam. But knowing how invasive it would be, especially after just being raped, made me want to take her and run. She asked if it was an exam like the Pap test (her first) she had recently had, and I told her it was similar. We talked about it, and she decided to have the exam. She really wanted to make sure he could not hurt anyone else.

When we got to the clinic, Kailin wanted to go in alone (as she did for her first Pap test). It surprised me, but I was glad she felt confident and trusted the women who were caring for her. When it was over, she had a ton of medicine to take and blood work to be done to check for STDs. We left there with information about counseling and the police routine that would follow. We were hooked up with the Washoe County Victims of Crime Program, which could pay for her relocation, counseling, and other services needed as a result of the rape. Now it was time to go home and digest all that had happened.

Eilish

My dad and I sat on the porch waiting for any texts or calls from my mom. The one thing that I had to keep reminding myself was that she was alive and was going to be okay . . . eventually. I got a text from my mom saying they would be going to get a forensic exam (rape kit) soon. The thought of her having to be violated, again, in that way broke my heart even more. Her innocence and privacy were completely stripped from her all within a matter of less than twelve hours. Why did this have to happen to her? She is the last person on this planet to deserve this.

I went to the store and bought a bunch of KK’s favorite snacks and picked up lunch for everyone. When KK came home, I had never squeezed her so tight. Kailin has always been brave, but I could see it even more so now. She started talking about what happened. The heartbreak following those conversations was indescribable. I grew so angry with this pathetic excuse for a human being who did this.

KK and I had previously made plans to hang out that night anyway, but I didn’t know if she was still going to be up for it. I was surprised and happy when she said, “I get to go over to Eilish’s house for pizza and movies tonight.” I wanted to spend as much time as I could with KK. I never wanted to let her go. We ordered pizza from our favorite local spot, Nu Yalk Pizza, and we watched her favorite musicals to sing along to: Mamma Mia! and Frozen. There were some moments I would see her looking off and tearing up, then she would go back to singing along. I had to excuse myself a few times to stop myself from crying in front of her. Seeing her able to sing and laugh along to her favorite movies gave me some sense of reassurance that she was going to be okay and able to recover from this.

Kailin

The weekend after I was raped, I decided to move out of my house and moved in with my parents. My family and friends helped me move all of my stuff. I didn’t want to live in that house anymore. I wanted to live with my parents to recover and get my justice back. I was kind of sad after the rape, and I think I had some anxiety. My mom’s coworker and friend, Denise, brought me cupcakes and talked to me about everything. She had also been raped when she was younger. She told me it was not my fault and that I didn’t do anything wrong. Other people came over and brought me stuff, and I got sent flowers, too.

Mary

The waiting was hard. KK moved back in with us. She seemed okay but quieter and more reserved than usual. We were waiting for the Reno Police Department to assign a detective to the case, which took about a week.

KK had told us that she met her attacker earlier on the day it happened, when he was walking a dog down her street. Eilish and I figured that most people walk their dogs on a pretty regular schedule. So, while waiting for the police to assign a detective, we decided to stake out the house. We wanted to do something instead of just waiting. We got up really early in the morning and parked a half block from the house, where we could see anyone walking by her house. Our plan was to follow him so we could tell the police where he lived. Of course, Nancy Drew and her mom had no luck. We would find out later that he was walking a friend’s dog and he did not live in the neighborhood.

About a week after the attack, we got a call from the detective assigned to the case. Kailin went back to the Advocacy Center, where she was interviewed by a forensic interviewer. The detective, assistant district attorney (DA), and others assigned to KK’s case were in another room listening. It was explained to me that this way, if any of them had other questions, they could have the interviewer ask them right away. It’s also done this way so that KK would only have to tell the story one time, instead of numerous times to different people. I appreciated that.

Eilish

The days following the attack were really hard. I was at my parents’ house visiting KK every day. I had no appetite. I could hardly sleep, and when I did, I had awful nightmares. It was all I could think about. I kept telling myself that I would feel better once he was caught. I kept learning smaller, but heartbreaking, details about the assault as the days passed. Waiting for any form of information was so hard. I felt helpless. We couldn’t get a hold of our victim advocate and had to wait to get a detective assigned to our case. In the meantime, my mom and I decided to stake out KK’s old house to see if we saw anyone matching the assailant’s description. Not surprisingly, we didn’t have any luck. What we did discover in the meantime was that we could go into our family phone plan to find the number that had sent KK the horrific videos she deleted. Later on that day, I took the phone number and paid for several different website search engines to search the phone number. I didn’t know it at the time, but the phone number was registered to her assailant’s ex-wife.

About a week later, our assigned detective called me. I gave him the information I found, and he said he would contact my mom and Kailin next to schedule a forensic interview. Kailin met with a forensic interviewer while the DA, detective, and others on KK’s case watched in another room. They did this so that she didn’t have to repeat her story over and over again. My family and I were really grateful for that.

Kailin

After a few weeks, my mom told me that our detective called her to tell us they found him and arrested him. I asked our district attorney to explain to me about what was going to happen with the court. We had to go to a bail hearing on Zoom because of the coronavirus. The DA told me I could write something for him to read at the bail hearing to the judge. I told him I feel frozen, and I don’t want “David” to hurt Casey or anyone else. My parents, sister, and I all sat at the table at my parents’ house on Zoom and held hands when the judge said he was going to set the bail at $500,000. We were happy that it was a lot of money for him to be able to get out of jail for now.

Mary

The detective was able to find KK’s attacker due to the video he had sent. He waited at his apartment until they saw him. He knew right away why they were there. He told the detective that the sex was consensual, but the detective said that the video made it clear that it was not.

He was not what I expected. He lives with his girlfriend of five years and has three young children. He is employed as a hair stylist in Reno. I think he just saw an opportunity and thought KK would not be able to cause him any trouble. Kailin, like many people with Down syndrome, does not often yell or scream and sometimes struggles with advocating for herself. She is very compliant, especially when she is confused or stressed, so she did not physically fight him. While that made her more vulnerable, I believe that it may also have kept her alive.

The arraignment and bail hearing were done via Zoom. All during the hearing, he cried and acted like he had no idea why he was there. Kailin, Eilish, and I all wrote victim statements that were read by the DA. Many newly arrested prisoners were at the group arraignment, and KK’s case was the last one. It made me nervous that the judge worked with most of the (nonviolent) prisoners so that they could make bail and not be stuck in jail pending their trials due to Covid. When it was time for “David’s” hearing, the DA described the crime and read our victim statements into the record. The judge was quiet throughout and then said that this crime was so heinous that he felt the only way to protect the community was to impose a $500,000 bail, with half cash required. We were very relieved and thankful.

Eilish

The weeks following the attack were long and draining. After about two weeks, my mom texted me that he had been caught and arrested. There aren’t words for what that feeling was like. I was happy he had been caught, but scared to face the reality of who attacked and assaulted my sister. I don’t know what I thought this person would be like, but he was certainly not it. He was in his thirties, was in a long-term relationship, had young children, and was a well-established hair stylist in Reno. He seemingly looked to have a “normal” life. I was shocked and scared. If someone so “normal” looking could do this, how could we ever feel safe again?

The night before the bail hearing I think I slept maybe an hour. The thought of this person being out in the public and able to take advantage of other people scared the hell out of me. The bail hearing was conducted over Zoom due to Covid-19. Seeing Kailin’s reaction when he stood up in the holding area was devastating. The reality of the situation all came crashing down and broke my heart even more than I thought was possible. Although I’m Kailin’s younger sister, I have always felt this extreme responsibility to protect her. Knowing this person violated and took advantage of her, in this way especially, tore me to pieces.

The DA read the victim impact statements Kailin, my mom, and I wrote. It was confusing and frustrating seeing Kailin’s assailant’s reaction to everything. He was shaking his head in confusion and crying. How could he not understand why he was here and how much hurt he caused my sister and our family? At the end, the judge stated the only way to keep the public safe from such a “sick” person was to set his bail at $500,000. In Nevada, everyone is entitled to bail (unless it’s a first-degree murder charge), so having the bail set so high was a bit of a relief for my family.

Kailin

Now we are waiting to see if I have to testify at court. I hope he takes the plea deal so I don’t have to go to court, but I will go to court if I have to. I want to protect people from getting hurt by him like I did. If I testify against “David,” I will tell the whole world the full truth about what happened. I’m going to have to take him down in person.

I talked to a counselor for a while about my feelings on the phone. I was sad then, but now I’m not. My friends and family got me through it. To feel better, I wanted to find a new place that was right for me. I found a new home so I could be independent again and live on my own. I wasn’t afraid to live on my own, and now it is my favorite home. I just know I like living on my own better. I’m really careful about locking my door, and I won’t let anyone into my house unless it’s my family or I know them. I’m more aware of my surroundings now. I think it’s a good idea to live on your own when you go to college and get a job. I feel strong and brave now.

Mary

Due to Covid, preliminary hearings in Washoe County are very backed up. If there is a trial, it most likely will be over a year away. The mandatory sentence in Nevada for sexual assault is ten years to life, with ten years minimum before parole eligibility. Because KK is considered a vulnerable person, there is a consecutive eight to twenty years enhancement. The DA asked KK if she would agree to a plea bargain of dropping the enhancement if he pleads guilty to the sexual assault. Kailin and the rest of us liked that idea, so that she would not have to go through a trial. Now we are waiting to see if he accepts it. The DA feels like it is a good deal for “David,” because he would most likely get a longer sentence if a jury saw the videos.

KK has been changed by this, as have all of us. I’m so glad we are a close-knit family and that she knew she could trust us to help guide her through this trauma. I am very thankful that she is alive and recovering. And very grateful that she has her sister to love and support her.

Kailin now questions her sexuality, wondering if she might be a lesbian. I support her right to explore her sexual orientation, although she never questioned her heterosexuality in the past. Because of this experience, which was an act of violence and not love, she thinks and says that a relationship with a man is not safe.

Kailin has proven to be very resilient. I don’t know if she is just very strong or if her disability somehow affects her memory process or helps her to put things behind her. She is more reserved than before and keeps to herself more. She is currently doing music therapy and art therapy, which she enjoys. I think these alternate ways of expressing and dealing with her feelings will be more effective than just talk therapy.

Throughout this whole ordeal, I’ve been impressed and thankful for the professionalism and sensitivity of the police who responded, the detective who worked the case, the nurse and advocates at the Advocacy Center, the people from the district attorney’s office (the assistant DA and the advocates), the judge in the case, and the staff at the Victims of Crime Program. I know the trauma could have been much worse for Kailin.

Kailin moved out again, into her own apartment, a few months after the attack. She loves her independence. I know that in a perfect world, Kailin and all people should be free of the fear of sexual violence. But this is not a perfect world and, unfortunately, bad people often seek out those who are trusting or vulnerable. Now that KK has experienced sexual violence, she is no longer naive and understands firsthand the importance of safety and security. I know that recovery will take time and that this has changed her forever. I am so very proud of Kailin’s courage, strength, and resiliency.

Eilish

KK’s assailant is still in custody as of early December 2020. I check the county jail website every day to make sure he’s still there. We’re currently waiting to see if he’ll accept a plea deal or not. If not, we likely won’t see a trial until late next year. It’s been almost six months since the attack, and I still struggle on a daily basis with what happened. The guilt, sadness, and anger I feel is overwhelming at times. I’m so grateful my family is so close and so supportive of one another. The resiliency that Kailin and our entire family unit has shown during this is remarkable.

Since moving back out, I think KK has taken some of her power and control back. Her independence is what she prides herself on, so being able to move back out has been important for her. Covid has made it difficult for her to find work opportunities near her new apartment, but she’s participating in several virtual art therapies and doing different activities with her service provider every week.

I text Kailin every single day to see what she’s up to (and to make sure her door is locked). She’s more reserved and keeps to herself more than she once did. I’m not sure where she’s at with processing because she’s not much of a talker. I often wonder if she’s genuinely moving forward or if her disability makes it hard for her to put her feelings and experiences into words. I also worry that she will have difficulties with future romantic relationships because of this violent and traumatic experience.

I’ve realized that my parents, Kailin, and I will never be the same after this experience. I started referring to the period of time before this happened as the “sunshine and rainbows phase.” This is the most difficult thing we’ve gone through as a family, but Kailin has led us with her resiliency, bravery, and strength. My mom has been such a rock during all of this as well! This experience has taught me a lot, but the most important thing it has taught me is how lucky I am to have such a strong big sister to look up to.